Why I want a tubal ligation

I had my sons on November 24, 2004 and since that day I’ve wanted a tubal ligation. I know that I may be committing a sin to some of the mommies out there but I have to say it; I do not want any more children! I’ve felt this way and only speak about it to close family and friends as I fear the wrath of the religious and the mommies who believe that a woman should do as she was made to do “be fruitful and multiply”. To these people I must say, I am sorry.

NO MORE BABIES!

I got the courage to share my feelings today after reading the article “No More Babies: My Tubal Ligation Surgery Part 1” by Melissa (Kreative Beautii) on My Trending Stories. Since giving birth to my boys, I have spoken to my OB/GYN, my Family Physician and a few other doctors about my feelings and they all regurgitate the same script:

  • You’re too young.
    • Yes, in my twenties, maybe I was young and single and unsure of the future. The one thing I did know, I did not want another pregnancy or more children!
  • You’re not married yet. What if you get married to someone other than the boys’ father and he wants a child?
    • So, I have married the father of my children; I still don’t want another pregnancy or more children.
    • If things were different and I happened to have married someone else, I still would not want another pregnancy or more children. As such, this new man/husband would be marrying me knowing from the very first day that this is how I feel.
  • Tubal ligation is too permanent; what if you change your mind and want more children later?
    • It is because it is permanent why I want it! It is the best way to guarantee my wish, hopes, dreams and desires of never having another pregnancy.

So, I think you get the gist by now; I feel very strongly about this. Don’t get me wrong, Matthew and Michael are the best things to happen to me and I would never give them up for anything. So, why do I not want to have more of these blessings? Several reasons:

  1. I had a complicated and emotional roller coaster pregnancy. My pregnancy was not easy; it had many challenges physically, mentally and emotionally and I do not wish to go through that again. While a pregnancy now would be different and I wouldn’t face some of the things I did then, it would nonetheless come with challenges I am not willing to face or have the strength to face now.
  2. I believe that my two boys are more than enough. The journey from conception to the birth of my boys has its ups and downs; and this has carried on to this very day. I have watched my boys grow from babies to now pre-teens and I am not only happy with what I see but I am also extremely satisfied. My husband and I have managed to turn all our obstacles and challenges into successes and we have done tremendously well in raising our two boys and I honestly believe that our boys are enough. They provide us with all the joys, laughter, sorrow, tears and anything else you can think of that a child brings to a parent’s life. There is honestly no room for anyone else.
  3. Children are expensive! This is what people always call the selfish reason and I say this with no apology, I am entitled to it. If you know my story and you know what I have been through, you will know that I deserve a little selfishness every now and then. I don’t know about where you are from but where I am from, babies cost a lot of money. From birth to feeding, clothing, education, etc. they come with a huge bill. My family and I enjoy a modest life where we occasionally go out to movies, dinner, travel, etc. and we do not wish to disrupt that equilibrium. It is my belief that another child will take away from that and result in us having to shift our priorities and give up on some of the luxuries we have come to enjoy. I say this with no apology; I am not willing to do that. I love my life as it is and I want it to stay as it is.

I don’t know if this will inspire anyone else with similar views to share them but I hope that it will impact someone the way Melissa’s article impacted me. For the persons I have offended, I am sorry but these are my views and I pledged to be honest in my blog posts when I started this blog. Whether you agree with me or not, share your thoughts in the comments section below so that we can have a spirited discussion.

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Boys are better than girls!

Yes, I said it! Boys are better than girls. I say this from the viewpoint that I believe boys are easier to raise than girls and not that I think boys can do better or more things than girls. I have read a lot of articles about this echoing similar points to support each side respectively, but I continuously side with the boys.

What does the research say?

There are varying theories and studies to give evidence for both sides. An article, Who’s Easier: Boys or Girls  by fellow mother and writer Renee Bacher in Parents Magazine, outlines the differences between the two genders. For example, she stated how girls are “emotionally high maintenance” and “talk back more” while boys are “aggressive and physical”. In Boys vs. Girls: Who’s Harder to Raise, an article by Paula Spencer in Parenting Magazine, it is said that boys are harder with respect to discipline, physical safety and school (education).

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What are my thoughts on this?

When I found out I was having two boys I was ecstatic because I think girls are more work than boys and here are my reasons.

  • I was not looking forward to combing their hair. As someone of African descent, I have very thick, curly hair that was difficult to contain as a child. I still remember the difficulties my mother had when shampooing and combing my hair. I did not want to deal with one girl’s hair much less two!
  • I am not a girly-girl. I was and still am a tomboy. Don’t get me wrong, I have fabulous legs and love to show them off in skirts and heels, but that’s where the buck stops for my girly-ness. I could not see how I would muster up the little oestrogen in me to teach my daughter(s) to be a girl.
  • I do think girls talk back more. I did it, so I’m sure my daughter would! I was not looking forward to a double dose of the feisty gene.
  • Girls are harder to handle in their teens and pre-teens. For the simple fact that girls mature earlier than boys, it makes me have to deal with the pre-teen and teen drama earlier than I want to. The crushes, boyfriends, makeup, going out with friends, sex, drugs, etc., I just cannot deal. I want my babies to stay babies for as long as I possibly can.
  • Boys like to climb, throw things and play rough. So did I as a child and I was looking forward to it! Playing with dolls and having tea parties is not my cup of tea. Give me a game system with fighting or car racing and I’m happy!

I cannot comment on what it is like to have girls but I can say that life with my boys these past 11+ years has been a breeze.

  • Discipline
    • Parents have often commented on how disciplined they are and how much they listen to and respect others. My sons have never and will never run amok in a store, my workplace or anywhere other than a play area. They have never and will never throw a tantrum in public and when I think back, they have never done it in private either.
  • My boys were physically active.
    • I don’t recall them being any more active than any regular, healthy boy child. That’s what children do when they discover their legs and start to discover the world. All we can do is to help them do it safely.
  • School/ Education
    • Matthew and Michael are brilliant boys. Maybe it was all the studying I did when they were in utero or the classical music I played for them, or maybe it was the breast milk. Whatever the reason, Michael and Matthew have always been at the top of their class.
  • Emotions
    • I taught my boys from early on to share their thoughts and feelings with us. If they don’t think they can share something with one parent, share it with the other. So far, its working and I will keep my fingers crossed that it continues as they are about to enter high school, which brings on a whole new world of emotions and experiences.

Many parents ask Gabriel and I what is the secret to having boys who are so different from the stereotype. The answer to that question – I don’t know. All I can say is, a child’s outcome depends a lot on the parent and the parenting. Nature will do part of the work to determine how your child will be and nurture will take care of the rest. I tell parents to nurture their child in the way they want them to be. I wanted brilliant, disciplined, well-mannered boys and I nurtured those behaviours. The how is different for all parents and is a great topic for a completely different blog post. Let’s leave that for another time; until then – take care!